You fear that you might be talent-less because ‘judgement’ is at work everywhere, all the time. It forms part of the social world’s infrastructure. You are valued by what you can do for others as well as yourself. Interdependence rears its ugly head on you.
You fear being mediocre and want to be special. Your moments of passivity are for you a cause for shame, particularly when others are paraded in public as masterful. You want to fascinate and feel powerful, but don’t know how to do so.
You try your hand at something only to find out that, through your own harsh criticism, you have gotten ahead of yourself, or that you have little or no interest in it after all and envy those who have passions. You tell them how great they must have it but, much to your dismay, they play it down. You then worry that you are not free to become skillful and that is just the way they are. It begins to dawn on you that this may have been nothing more than a nice idea all along.
You like titles because they signify your rank. But you don’t even have a name, not in the same way that you have a brain, in fact, you are your brain. You have nothing, you were born with nothing and will die with nothing. You tend not to bear this in mind at moments of self-doubt whereas those who lack a little self-awareness, where you have an overabundance of self-consciousness, busy themselves by being simply a work of art. But for you, being nothing but a body is unthinkable.
You worry that your ‘career’ reflects poorly on your true self and you become paranoid that there is always a correlation between character and financial reward, more so if you feel you are paid less than someone who is not like yourself. But your labor and its fruits are not the same thing and the latter, simply because it is the latter, always arrives too late. When the labor is done, the ‘damage’ is already done, and whatever you do earn is nothing more than what you have ‘earned’. It should not be a cause for celebration. In this respect, doing any job for money is nauseating.
So, what is the lesson here?
Don’t concern yourself with ‘inadequacy’, and instead choose self-actualization.