(An ever so slightly edited version of my post from July 1st 2016.)

The title may suggest that this post serves men as advice on how they can not get a girlfriend. On the contrary. Though I appreciate that so-called ”How to get a Girlfriend” advice is a gesture of good will, Anti-How-to-Get-a-Girlfriend is a realistic view of how romantic relationships between men and women are formed, revealing the self-sabotaging effects that the ”how to” instructions overlook or disregard. Because the very existence of these instructions supplants natural courses of events, it is the ”doing nothing” that allows authentic romantic relationships to develop.

If ‘how-to-get-a-girlfriend’ advice does not speak of a specific woman or type thereof, let us suppose that the seeker of advice is currently not connected to any desirable women and wants to approach strangers whom he admires from afar. From here on in, the lover and the beloved are enveloped in two conflicting universes meaning, as far as the latter is concerned, the former is attracted to her primarily for her looks because he knows little or nothing else about her. He is not her friend, a family friend, a friend of a friend, a colleague, a neighbour etc.. The lover appears to be aggressive because he trespasses the invisible borders of the beloved’s finite universe. Furthermore, because his intentions are overt from the outset, it is also unlikely that he can even settle for falling into the so-called friend zone that he is advised to avoid. When people go about their business on a typical day, unless they fall in love at first sight, love is the furthest thing from their mind. The lover’s attraction will put the beloved on the spot because she would have to make a decision, one that she did not ask to make, whether or not to entertain the lover. Until she feels something for him, her instinct will tell her not to bother.

That said, the lover seemingly cannot risk playing hard to get. Let us suppose that it is true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and therefore neither of us could honestly say that the object of our desire is not beautiful. This makes networking all the more difficult. A beautiful woman is necessarily desired by many men, and they have her best interests at heart only insofar as she in turn desires them and no one else. The lover is told that women are attracted to confidence. But the lover may not fear rejection as much as he does the repulsion of walking into this emotional minefield. It is an anaphrodisiac. The beloved may favour those with whom she is familiar over the unfamiliar because, as I had pointed out earlier, she may not appreciate the attention of a stranger. To her, the very idea is contrived. If she is enveloped in his universe at all, he may be content to wait until she gives him the green light to pursue her. On the other hand, the lover is told that if the beloved does not develop an interest in him, she is not the right woman. But it must be said that this does not necessarily mean that he will cease to be attracted to her or is able to turn his attentions elsewhere at the drop of a hat. Although an unwavering attraction to an uninterested woman is a fruitless labour, this is as good an indication of true love than any–as it would appear to be unconditional.

By now it would seem as though I am speaking specifically of a woman who has no romantic interest in the lover. The very purpose of ‘how to get a girlfriend’ advice is to help single men attain women who are presently not interested them. ”How to get a girlfriend” advice simply teaches men how to behave in themselves, effectively altering their inherent likability to ‘trick’ unspecific women into liking them. One reason why some relationships run their course very quickly is because ones true colours always shine through in the end. You either love someone, or you don’t. Someone either loves you, or they don’t.

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